Is it luck or does everyone get that freebie ? So I have a free subscription for a week... the only goddamn week I won't be able to use my account since I'm going on a trip. Oh well, I'll take and enjoy whatever is given to me.

I'm so exhausted. I don't know why. I think it comes from fighting against my will to goof off while there was so much to do. Or is it the weather that looks like it's 20 while it's barely 10 that plays on my nerves ?

I started to clear my room today. Blank walls again... Blank billboard... It's like shaking a Etch-a-Sketch after an elaborated drawing. A drawing that died there, with you, its creator, the only one who cared.

No nostalgia this year though. My thoughts are alle ahead. Plus it's been a lonely room. I feel bad for my belongings : maybe objects want to be seen. Maybe that like us they measure their own existence according to their reflection in other people's eyes. Sometimes I feel like whatever I touch becomes lonely as if I were some variation of King Midas or something.

Even I forsook it. I gave it its aura and became disgusted with it afterward. This place was me way more than I could bare. I'm the only person I can't run away from.

Yet I try. I leave and look for something which I'll know only when I find it. I have a goal without being able to give it a face or a name. Yet it feels like I know how to get there. I feel more confident with this fatalistic attitude.

I understand that life won't take me where I can't be; won't ask me to handle more than I can handle. I understand that sometimes bad is better than good. I understand that my happiness does not depend as much on what I do or what happens to me as on my attitude towards failure and success.

But confident doesn't mean unconscious so I do fear. Nor does it mean numb so I do cry. Nor does it mean that I am sure... or that I won't contradict myself.

Every life has its ups and downs and peaks and valleys but they don't matter as much as the general tendency (I'm a junior statistical analyst, hehe).

Bouddhism has it right on that we shouldn't expect anything from life. Let's aim for the center of the target without thinking that because we aim for the center, then that's where the bullet should hit and nowhere else.

Attention shifts to the walls again. I wish they could talk. I'd ask them what they think of it all.

Good bye room of a time